Alpha or Beta?  Which are you?  You better find out. You also need to know that your ideal mate needs to compliment either your alpha or beta basic nature, character and personality. Viola!  Then you could have the ideal relationship!  You've finally found HIM!

Because it's all about looking for Mr. Right, and author Keith W. Swain, Doctor of Psychology, has a lot to offer in both theory and practice in his new book, "Dynamic Duo: The Alpha/Beta Key to Unlocking Success in Gay Relationships," that focuses upon his examination of individuals in happy, long-term gay relationships and the alpha/beta balance that translates into contentment.

Self-described as an "evolutionary psychologist," Swain explained the human being is perceived to be "evolutionarily made up of biological components" that have evolved with us, which now we see as psychological devices when really they're very organically based."

"For example, traditionally men and women when select mates, they select them for very specific reasons generally based on reproduction."

So, of course, we're all burning to know if everyone is either an alpha or beta.

Swain observes that "everyone has alpha/beta traits." But he raises the important question as to what degree is someone one or the other. "It's very unusual to find anybody with a balance between alpha/beta within themselves. In the book, there's a test that readers can take to tell you--numerically. If you're an alpha or a beta--it'll tell you how many of these more traditionally male mating traits you have versus how many of these traditionally female traits you have. Now, remember, there are counterbalancing traits--if I score 25, then if my partner scores somewhere between 70 and 80, you'll probably be finding happiness."

With the alpha versus beta, Swain is the first to admit that there is definitely a "power dynamic" at work, even in such relationships.

He claims that "the power dynamic is highly misunderstood."

"I think this is really rampant in our society--we see feminine power as negative. Especially gay men don't want to see themselves as feminine in any way. What people don't understand is the power of nurturing is amazing, and using that is really, powerful. In a gay relationship, the power top nurture is as valuable, if not more valuable, than the power to be aggressive."

With these new theories and out-of-the-box thinking, Swain also reveals some unexpected truisms from his point of view and observation of healthy, happy, long-lasting gay relationships, regarding such topics as idealizing same-sex marriage, total commitment and even the idea of living and thriving in an "open relationship." Swain accepts the idea of "open relationship" while still maintaining a good gay relationship.

"I think there's an implication that if you believe in marriage, you believe in monogamy. I think that the marriage concept is truly one of 'Have I made a commitment to the relationship?' How that relationship functions is a question of monogamy. I don't think that they're necessarily mutually tied to each other. I don't think you have to have a monogamous relationship in order to be a happy, healthy relationship, and I think that when you put two men together, it's virtually impossible for monogamy to survive in the classic sense."

Beta or Alpha, then? 

Swain said that he wrote his book--"for both single men and gay couples. If you are a single gay man and you're looking for someone, you're probably looking in the completely wrong way. You're probably looking in the wrong location, you're probably seeking in inappropriate ways and you're probably sending inappropriate signals."

Are you a single gay guy?  Swain said "you get a test, you know your score and then I'll tell you the score of the prefect match for you."

In the book, Swain includes specific chapters on dating according to your age. It gives readers specific advice on what to look for, how to look for it and where to find it.

There's a section on how to keep your good relationship going. Swain said that the final section of the book is the kind of problems that will very often come up in a relationship: power differential problems, personal growth problems. Then, he pointed out, that "jealousy is in there, monogamy is in there and "should we have children" is in there--all sorts of questions about relationships are in his book.

For more information, visit dynamicduo.com

[Editor's Note:  Some of the content of this article is based upon interviews conducted with Keith W. Swain and Sunnivie Brydum in OutFront Colorado, June 25, 2009.]

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While queers everywhere are railing hard against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", the importance of Veterans' Day isn't something that should be lost on us.  (It was just commemorated on November 11 but without much fanfare.)

War is a deeply loaded word that deserves much introspection. The three letters have so many meanings to so many different people, and, in our community, it has meant sadness, exclusion, doubtfulness and belittlement. However, we mustn't forget that to some--heterosexual people and queers alike (if only temporarily for the queers)--the word has meant pride, honor, a sense of duty and fulfillment in life.

I only have one friend who's a veteran -- his name is Henry.  As a twenty-something, I have an unexplainable proclivity toward befriending cute seniors--so naturally my ears were perked when I first saw Henry three years ago.  Henry's a short, adorable man probably in his late fifties/early sixties; he's African-American with warm brown eyes and deep, knowing wrinkles that are worn into his skin like a beautiful piece of soft, coffee-brown leather.

While I was still "courting" him, I guess you could say, we exchanged friendly conversation about jazz, school, and, of course, eyeglass wear.  Recently Henry and I were chatting business (contact lenses), and he mentioned that he had to wear them when he was in Iraq.  I looked at the gentle, aging man as he clicked my prescription into the computer and the words tumbled out of my mouth, "You were in Iraq(!?!?!)?"  At that moment, Henry abandoned the eyeglass store for a moment. He leaned closely over the counter and his peaceful eyes narrowed at me. He began in a serious tone about his Army career: a tunnel rat in Vietnam, a short guy who had to overcompensate--he even told me about begging to jump out of a plane with two bricks in his pocket because he didn't weigh enough.

As a transmasculine dyke fumbling my way through my fabricated, f**ked up sense of manhood with no real men to show me the ropes, I was salivating at this storybook moment and intently hanging on every word like the impressionable, hungry young man that I am (not).

"And I told him that he better crawl [through the tunnel] so close to my butt that if I should fart, his breath should stink!" Henry finished strongly and stood up.

Before we got back to eye talk, he said, "You know, I've seen a lot of things, racism and such, but I love this country, and I loved being in the Army."

Henry is one of the many reasons I have respect for the veterans.

I know that if I were fighting beside him, he'd treat me with respect and honor my courage. It's not his fault, I suppose, I can't be out as gay if I want to join the armed service.

I urge everyone to take a rest from carrying heavy weight of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" How about just thanking a veteran this week?

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